Over the two-year (!) lifespan of this blog, I have written rather extensively and quite honestly about the downfalls of parenting. More specifically, the sleep habits of one particular little girl in this house and how those sleep habits affect the big girl in this house and how that, in turn, affects the marriage of the big girl in the house. I would go ahead and let you read about all of the times I was going to walk out the door and never come back (over here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) but I’m too lazy to go find all of the links. You can just trust that I’m telling the honest truth about my embarrassing shortcomings and that it’s pretty much a small miracle that I’ve stuck around. It’s a good thing that babies are cute, otherwise, more of us would bail. Oh, and it’s also good that a certain husband is endlessly patient and forgiving to a fault. Major points, there.
As a quick recap, our kid found her thumb at the ripe age of 4-months and began sleeping 12-hours straight every night. We were lucky. We knew it as we listened to the horror stories of our friends and what they were going through. So we bit our tongues and said nothing. Then, one day, I blogged about it to underscore another point. In essence, I spoke of our good fortune, something one should never do if they’re at all superstitious. I even mentioned that karma might get me for it.
Well, wouldn’t you know that since that time—literally, like, since the very day of that post—our kid has been waking up every night (I’m sure it’s because I wrote unkindly about our neighbors at the end). And I am not exaggerating. In the past year-and-a-half, Ruby has slept through the night maybe 20 times. Maybe. During the worst of her sleeplessness, she’d wake as often as 7 or 8 times each night, which continued for about four months. This was shortly after she turned one and it was the worst period in my parenting career. I honestly thought about a Saturday Night Fever-style dive off the Coronado Bridge or a slow walk into the ocean with rocks in my pockets. Somehow, we were able to get her wakings reduced to one time a night for a brief spell, but now we’re back to 3 or 4. And she’s pretty damned consistent.
She goes down around 7:30pm (stick with me, I’m explaining this minutiae as a cry for help) and then wakes up crying at 10:00pm, 11:00pm, 12:30am, once in a while at 3:30am and again at 5:30am. We’ve tried talking to her about it, we’ve tried offering rewards for sleeping through the night, I’ve even resorted to threats. I know, I know: Really un-good parenting. But holy mother of baby Jesus! I cannot tell you the last time I slept for even 6 hours straight. I’m losing it, people. Lou. Zing. It. I can barely even be nice to the kid by the fifth time. What’s worse, I’m starting to get that I-have-to-leave-my-family feeling again.
Not really; I’m not at Threat Level Red this time and I’m not leaving. I swear. But I cannot promise not to be a raging bitch to my husband. And that? That is no bueno.
Can anyone help me? Do any of you have experience with this? Any behavior-change success stories out there? Do you think it would be better to give her whiskey every night or just blow pot smoke in her face after dinner?
Do tell. I’m all ears.
18 responses so far ↓
1 robyn // Dec 13, 2007 at 11:04 am
It’s funny that you (jokingly) mentioned giving her whiskey every night. I knew someone who would sometimes give their kid Benadryl to get them to sleep at night. Not that I’m advocating that approach. I wish I had some real advice to give you. I’ll leave that to the parents, I guess.
2 Aaryn // Dec 13, 2007 at 12:09 pm
Thanks, Robyn. You are right on target and will be a fabulous mother someday, should you choose to embark on that project. We, too, use Benadryl but only for times when the babe is sick and for the occasional party we’d like her to sleep through. I did not say that here…
3 Emma's mom // Dec 13, 2007 at 1:29 pm
My daughter does the EXACT same thing. She is just turning 2. Sorry to say we gave up the fight. We manage with this routine - goes to sleep at 7 p.m. without a problem and wakes at about 10:00. We explain that it’s too early to wake up and we’ll get her later. She wakes up again at about 1 a.m. (sometimes earlier) and we bring her to bed with us. It’s the ONLY WAY we all get to sleep. I know, I know, it’s bad, bad, bad. But we try and fool ourselves and say - it’s not a family bed, she goes to sleep in her own bed. She will also be our only child so we’ve told ourselves to cherish the snuggle time and remember that this time is just a drop in the bucket. We are crossing our fingers that when she get her big girl bed she’ll be excited to have the pugs sleep with her and that will be enough to keep her in her own bed. We hope.
4 Paida // Dec 13, 2007 at 1:31 pm
I am the wrong person to ask, very often our kids crawl into bed with us and stay for the night. I HATE to wake up so this is the default solution for us. We call P. “stealth” because he can crawl in between E. and I with out us knowing for hours. I guess we just raised the white flag and now we get a full night’s sleep.
Very likely this is not the best solution for you guys - I know for some people it simply doesn’t work. It does have its downsides for the marriage - however since E. hates to cuddle while sleeping it has its upside for me.
Sorry you are going through this. Parenting can suck sometimes even with a full night’s sleep - running on empty turns it into total hell.
P’s kindergarten teacher is like the dog whisperer of kids - I am going to check with him and see if he has any wise words of advice.
5 Melanie // Dec 13, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Well I’LL say it. Benadryl was my savior some nights! Ruby sounds exactly like my son and I had those moments where I’d be holding him and rocking him and crying along with him and telling myself I’m leaving the next day. I don’t want to be here anymore. I worked a full time job at the time and there were literally some days that I just wanted to kill myself I was so exhausted and didn’t think I could go one.more.night. Nothing helped. I threatened to leave many times.
I’m not sure what the exact turning point was but I do remember that I told the daycare to stop letting him take a 3 hour nap during the day and then when we got home at night I wouldn’t let him go to sleep until around 9pm or a little later if possible. It’s a bitch though because it cuts into your “me” time in the evening and he was really cranky that last couple of hours, but he would sleep until at least 5:30am or 6. And then somehow along the way he just kinda leveled out and was fine. I think it was when he started pre-k though
So, not really any advice. I sure wouldn’t tell someone to give their kid Benadryl but I prayed to the Benadryl God there for awhile. Just sayin’…
I’ve been there. I understand your pain…
6 Val // Dec 13, 2007 at 5:49 pm
Everything you wanted to know and more. Reading this http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/sleep.htm#wake
was helpfull lots of stuff but an easy skim and some usfull ideas. Maybe the part about sleep-onset associations could help.
7 JeSais // Dec 13, 2007 at 8:11 pm
um. maybe she is part mocking bird? I have some that live, no frolic, no, MOCK me all night long in the spring time outside my window…
yeah. didn’t help. sorry. not a parent here, but I thought I’d commiserate a little.
of course there’s always:
http://drphil.com/articles/category/4/
8 Mrs. G. // Dec 13, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Oh dear God, for once I am happy to have two teenagers. My daughter sounds much like yours. She not only would wake up in the night but she just flat wouldn’t stay in her bed. She would get up at least 23 times to ask us a “question” or get water or give us one more hug or brush her teeth or pee…you see where I’m going with this? It didn’t matter how much we yelled, bribed, or threatened…she would not stay in the bed. I should also mention that midway between putting her to bed and her FINALLY falling asleep, my husband and I, in frustration, would scream bloody murder at each other about who sucked most as a parent. We finally threw in the towel and threw a futon down on the floor beside our bed and told her she could sleep in our room. We came to the conclusion that our main goal was to sleep. For whatever reason, this was the ticket. She would actually go to bed and stay there and when she woke up, I would reach down and give her a squeeze and she would drop back off to sleep. A year-and-a-half later, she went back to sleeping in her own room.
I do feel your pain. Sleep deprivation is almost as bad as water boarding.
9 Deb Abramson // Dec 13, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Between my three kids, I’ve made it through the night without being disturbed maybe a handful of times in the last six years.
But with all of them in all of their phases, there have been many different reasons for the night waking.
So I’m wondering, what is it that she seems to need when she wakes up? Is she awake like, Hey, let’s play now? Or awake and scared? Or something else? And how are you able to settle her?
10 Pam // Dec 13, 2007 at 10:09 pm
My Miss A sounds a lot like Mrs. G’s daughter. Last night it was, what, 5 trips into our room? Oy. When she told me about the scary dream with the fire and the smoke and the screaming, all I could muster was a grunt and a hard shove back into bed.
Well, not really, but it felt like it.
The funniest was the visit at 3am a couple of weeks ago. I kid you not, she showed up at my bedside at 3-freakin-am, asking me if I remembered the yellow and black dress I wore at some point. Really? These are the burning questions that keep you awake at night?
11 Azron // Dec 13, 2007 at 11:25 pm
A woke up the other night to ask Pam if she remembered that time… huh? That time that you wore the yellow dress… Yes A, go back to bed… NOW!!!
12 Caroline // Dec 14, 2007 at 12:16 am
aaryn, I am the worst bitch when I don’t get sleep. I can’t see my life clearly ….so I have the deepest sympathy…sleep deprivation is a form of torture and right now you’re being tortured. Isabel was a sleeping angel, Benjamin (no 2) did not sleep…so…he ended up in our bed every night until he was almost 4..it was the only way we got any sleep. I like the futon idea..a lot…I do think being able to reach down and squeeze them is a big help….but you cannot keep getting up four times a night..that must stop..now, today, this instant..whatever it takes. I also think that you could just ignore her….put in earplugs and not react…I know that that is a really old fashioned idea these days and she may be able to crawl out of her crib…but maybe?? Anyway…that’s my advice……I feel for you…and of course you want to leave home..I remember fantasizing about just staying in a hotel around the corner for a night..just to get some sleep.
13 Jennifer // Dec 14, 2007 at 1:05 am
I wish I had the magic wand because we’ve been through needing it so badly recently! H is younger but got sick right before her first birthday. A month of on-going illnesses…trip to the ER, high fevers, etc (not the common cold, that would be too easy) and teething on top of it and a growth spurt. We were so friggin tired I do not know which end was up. I had so much trouble putting sentences together. We finally brought her into bed with us.
Then it just changed…she began eating more and we started feeding her a bottle right before we went to bed to make her last longer. We turned up the heat in our house to 72ish over night, we double her jammies to keep her warmer. We also really give her lots to eat when she comes home from daycare. Lots to drink too. Her teeth popped through. Well.. so far only two, we are waiting on the other 4!
No magic and no real solution. I totally feel your pain though…it’s the worst part of parenting, I think. Although we are having many more children, I questioned it at those moments!
Lots of love. J
14 family-of-five // Dec 14, 2007 at 8:25 am
So I’m going to second a few of my favorite people, here–similar things have worked for me, with each child, over the years. First, what deb is saying. What’s your sense of why this is happening? Do you have any idea what she wants when she wakes up? Girlish used to have bad dreams, Boyish needed to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep without a cuddle.
Like Lauren, I also have no problem bringing one or two kids to bed with me if it means I don’t have to get up or wake up. Bring her to bed with you after the first or second waking. Sort of rules out morning sex, but being a parent means you have to work your sexy times in around the kid’s schedule anyway. It’s not permanent, right? Just like she outgrew sleeping 12hrs a night, she will outgrow this as well, I promise.
And like Mrs G, we’ve made a pallet on the floor of our bedroom. That was a really great solution for a while. When I was pg with Babeish, the other two got really needy, standing by the bed and having nightmares and couldn’t sleep and wanted water and wet the bed, etc. So we put a bunch of blankets on the floor for a month or three until everything settled down again.
It’s all about what YOU want and what YOU can stand. If sleep is the most important thing, you may have to give up (for a while) your notions about what constitutes good sleep habits and bad ones. I think people get too hung up on the idea that kids must “sleep through the night,” and “sleep in their own beds.” I think every kid, and every parent, is different. Different things work for different people at different times. If you’re having really dark thoughts (running away in the night, etc.–been there) it’s time to change something, isn’t it?
15 Anonymous // Dec 16, 2007 at 5:27 am
I, like you, was pulling my hair out (it’s starting to grow back now). Last Christmas, Breannon recieved a CD player and some holiday CD’s. Christmas music soothes her (hey, I don’t know why, I just know I sleep!). We have listened to Christmas music, all night, every night for almost 365. My point is, maybe you should try music….it’s the ONLY thing we found. G’LUCK!
Vanessa
16 Jennifer Summer // Dec 16, 2007 at 10:48 am
I would try blowing the pot first.
If that doesn’t work:
What’s going on in her room? I mean, does she have a night light, a favorite stuffed toy, etc? Is she still in a crib? Maybe get her the Ocean Wonders Aquarium thingie that lights up and plays lullabies. Tell her that when she wakes up during the night, the fishies are there to help her fall back asleep. Another thing you might want to consider, is a white noise machine set very low. Good luck to you. I understand the suckage.
17 Anonymous // Dec 17, 2007 at 6:34 pm
Put her to bed at 10 pm.
18 Tammy // Dec 17, 2007 at 10:48 pm
B has been a terrible sleeper from the very beginning, so I’ve read every book/Web site I can get my hands on. I can tell you what I’ve learned, but at this age I think it depends on why she’s not sleeping. What does she do when she wakes up? Cry? Ask for water? Need to pee?
Also, is she in a crib or a bed?
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