And the hits just keep on coming
Are you there, God?
It’s me, MargaretAaryn.
I am deeply sorry that I helped Ella Slawson steal all those cute clothes from Girls World at ZCMI when we were 11. I sorta figured that getting busted by security on our way out of the mall and almost peeing my pants was punishment enough, especially since none of the outfits were for me. I admit, it was sort of flattering to learn that our theft technique was superior—and “nearly undetectable”—to that of the many 30-year old shop lifters the experienced loss-prevention staff had seen, but still. “Nearly undetectable” led to a juvenile police record that required expunging seven years later.
There really was nothing quite like the humiliation of being arrested for shoplifting at a store that employed my mother. Never will I forget the look on The Gaydi Project’s face when she came to pick me up (to say it wasn’t one of pride is an understatement as severe as Maria Shriver’s jawline) or the fact that my birthday was cancelled the following week. Not just the party but my actual birthday. It was all so tragic.
My point in bringing this up now, God, is that I can only assume I’m being punished for my childhood transgression. That, or you’re trying to steer me away from my atheistic leanings. Either way, your wrath is almost convincing, if not straight up sadistic. Was it not enough to kill my laptop? Did you have to go after the desktop computer too? And on a deadline week?!? Pour quoi, God, pour quoi? Don’t you have other fights to pick? So I pseudo-expertly stole some shit when I was a kid. Big deal! We’ve got a nasty president doing far worse right now and he could use a lesson or two! How about some severe irritable bowel syndrome coupled with chronic hemorrhoids and jock itch for him? Or, if you’d rather bestow some glory, I happen to know there are two strapping quarter backs vying for your attention at the moment.
My point is this: Shift your focus elsewhere. Please. Show mercy on me. Don’t go and give me finger cramps as I hand write my next column.
Thanks in advance, I guess….
~a
oh no! seriously!? this is just a really bad week, isn’t it?
my thoughts are with you.
the thing is God does these things just when you think that you’ve been lucky and life has been good – so it makes sense to be paranoid
You can borrow the girls iMac if you want…
Eeeck..definitely not cool…
I am feelin’ for ya girl!
Nnnooooo. Not both your Macs?!
Oh Aaryn! Not the computers! OMG!
You have my deepest condolences.
Well — in line with Azron. I think you need a MAC.
I had a bout of food poisoning this week. While I was splayed out on the bathroom floor, moaning and dying… I said to my husband, “I’m gonna pray…” (I’m always on a rant to him about organized religion). He laughed. He said, “who are you going to pray to?”
I said, “GOD!”
And he said, “is this your deathbed conversion?” and I said IT WAS.
Your dear God letter today sparked that memory. Hope you don’t mind me sharing.
Kim
Kim…that story is hilarious. And I’ve been there, a sudden convert thanks to Campylobacter. Of course, once I got better, it was back to the God-is-within-me schtick.
Also, both of my computers are Macs. But the G5 is back and running. My laptop is going to be a new computer when I get it back, what with the new hard drive and muthaboard.
Thanks to everyone for sharing in my misery. And to Azron for offering up a loaner. Much appreciated.
oh my, I’ve been there. Never both computers, but I’ve been through similar trials. Sorry you had troubles. Did you lose work on your column, or had you not started yet.
Incidentally, I have funny getting-caught-shoplifting story that I’ll tell you in person on Saturday.