“I wanna get married,
Yes, I need a spouse.
I want a nice Leave it to Beaverish,
Golden retriever and a little white house.
I wanna get married, I need to cook meals.
I wanna pack cute little lunches for my Brady Bunches,
Then read Danielle Steele…”
—Nellie McKay
My home has been transformed from a happy bungalow to a menacing Palace of Pathogens. One of the three of us has been sick, sick, sick since Dec. 17 at 7:02 a.m.—not that I’m keeping track—and it might not be a bad idea to have the property tented, with all of us quarantined inside.
Living in a tenuous state of perpetual exhaustion, impatience and ill health has been yet another test of marital endurance. Tonight, Sam and I stood in the kitchen, each ingesting two squirts per nostril of our own individually marked bottles of Flonase. The scene was not even a distant relative to sexy, especially since our next-door neighbor was present for the ritual (we have no pride), helpfully pointing out after the fact that we’d administered our medicine improperly.
Standing there holding my little brown bottle of nasty, secure in my knowledge that we still have rigid bathroom boundaries when all others break apart, I understood that a soul connection—a relationship quality that figures far less prominently than it used to—serves as our touchstone, making hard times surmountable. It is this essential foundation that makes me wonder why anyone would ever advocate that single women in their 30s settle for anything less.
But that’s what Lori Gottlieb is doing in “Marry Him!” published last week in The Atlantic Online. A 40-year old “empowered” woman and single mother by choice, the author lays out her reasoning for why women should stop holding out for Mr. Right and start settling for “Mr. Good Enough.” Gottlieb is eloquent, so I feel extra bad when I have to gong her.
The thrust of her piece is whether it’s better to be single than it is to settle for less than ideal. To that I shout: Hell yes, ladies! The loneliest alone is feeling alone when you’re paired. And trust me, I’ve been there. But Gottlieb shouts: “Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection…. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.”
Her sad argument wrongly assumes that all women want marriage and a white picket fence and $800 Bugaboo strollers. And eventually, without “intense connection” to sustain it, a neglected heart will overflow with resentment for decaying teeth or an unbending choice of golf shirts tucked into pleated pants paired with Crocs.
It’s desperate and not in anyway self-actualized to suggest choosing a mate because He likes babies an awful lot! or, He could provide a house with vaulted ceilings! or Jeeze, I can prolly deal with laying down with him forever even though his scent repulses me! The thing is, forever is a blip when you’re content and an eternity when you’re trapped, and even the best marriage will run the gamut.
Gottlieb accuses the unmarried 30-something of being a liar if her brow’s not furrowed over her marital prospects. “Take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried,” she cajoles. “Because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.” I’m thinking Gottlieb sees a lonely woman in the mirror who dispenses disingenuous advice based on projections of her own have-and-eat-your-cake silliness.
The author’s stance represents a change of heart since publication in 2005 of another article. Extolling a now reversed “somebody isn’t always better than nobody” M.O., she chronicles her journey toward a sperm donor while simultaneously extracting herself from a long-term relationship because it lacked “a core connection.” At the time, she opted not to settle for the boyfriend she’d handpicked from an online profile and, instead, opted to handpick the father of her child from an online profile.
She left Mr. Hand Selected despite advice from a friend, “a feminist-studies professor with two degrees from Stanford.” Proving that even multiple prestigious degrees don’t make you smart, this friend counseled Gottlieb to marry the guy and make babies while her eggs were still ripe. “You can always get divorced,” she said. “Maybe you’ll marry someone you’re in love with later.”
I would never suggest such absurdity to any of my single girlfriends! It’s one thing to get married, have things go sour and end in divorce: She gets the 1,200 thread count sheets and many overstuffed pillows, he keeps all the vinyl and they hash-out doggie visitation rights. But to drag a child to the epicenter of that nightmare with a flippant Do-over! attitude is self-absorption to an obscene degree, forgetting altogether that the seemingly irrelevant child will learn how to be in a relationship by the one his parents model for him. Who are these women, anyway?
“We want a man to hold the door open for us at a restaurant, and society to hold the door open for us to have a child while we search for the door-opening man.” This is what our pre-settling author wrote of herself and single mothers like her. They want it all, and the fact of the matter is that, like happily ever after, there is no such thing.
Marriage is hard. Like—really hard. It’s hard in a way that people entering into it cannot possibly fathom at the time of let-no-man-tear-asunder, whether in the throes of romantic love or a drunken trip to the Elvis Chapel. It’s hard in a way that defies description to the uninitiated, much like the spoken virtues of parenting are lost on the childless. It’s hard enough to keep it together when the couple begins with love, adoration and connection as a base. The better-worse-sickness-health bidness? That’s some seriously difficult shiznit in practice, and you better damn well like the person you’re promising it to, s’all I’m sayin’.
It sounds to me like what Gottlieb really wants is a little help around the house, so she needs to empower her feminist ass, set an example for her son and carry on with what she started. She should handpick from online profiles a nanny, a housekeeper and a gardener to help with chores. And who knows? Maybe Mr. Right will still come along and one day, they, too, can snort steroids in their pajamas with the bond of “core connection” to keep it real.
(As published today in San Diego CityBeat.)
18 responses so far ↓
1 stupidmommy // Mar 5, 2008 at 9:16 am
It’s weird how she positions herself as an authority on marriage, never having been married.
The article reads, in places, as if she is approaching what is to me a sound outlook–that there is no Mr. Perfect to be holding out for and the success of long-term relationships is not solely based on swoon factor.
But it’s absurd to suggest that it’s not worth it to find Mr. Right (probably one of many out there) and that long-term relationships have nothing to do with romance, excitement, and soul connection.
And, if a woman’s 28-year-old marriage-minded self is looking primarily for thrills and her 38-year-old self is looking for the “he gets me” connection, why does Gottlieb frame that shift as “settling”?
I wish she would just come out and say what’s really bugging her instead of talking about everyone else’s errors in judgment and reasoning. The article is so inauthentic.
2 aaryn b. // Mar 5, 2008 at 9:50 am
I agree, that she makes a lot of sense with some of her statements. But overall, her argument left me cold. I personally don’t think Mr. Right is the same thing as Mr. Perfect, and maybe it is this search for Mr. Perfect that is the problem, since nobody is perfect. Except me. And you. And Texasgurl. And the others who comment here. But that’s it. Nobody else is perfect.
We all want to feel swept up in some great romance—that’s what makes the early stages of a relationship so amazing and fun—and I think this is a really important phase for an enduring relationship. But that feeling subsides with time and then you get down to the buisness of sustaining a relationship that goes far deeper than the initial butterflies in the stomach. Personally, I went for the combo of thrills and “he gets me” and the thing that is most important in the everyday is the latter, while the thrills come in unexpected and less frequent bursts.
Anyway, I would just never tell any woman to settle for less than what my mother calls The Overbite Factor: that thing about another person that makes your toes curl but cannot necessarily be defined.
3 Christine // Mar 5, 2008 at 9:50 am
A masterful piece of writing!! This is my favorite article of yours. Thanks for being a voice of reason. It’s embarrassing that the AO would publish the piece you cite. Sending thoughts for good health your (and S’s & R’s) way.
4 Mrs. G. // Mar 5, 2008 at 10:05 am
Great column, Aaryn. What a crock. I can’t imagine how thrilling it would be for someone to “settle” with or for me. I don’t think I could have made the long ass haul of marriage if I hadn’t been smack in love (the kind that makes you quit eating because who needs food when you are so in LOVE love)
5 aaryn b. // Mar 5, 2008 at 10:35 am
Thank you, Christine! That is so sweet. And we’re all feeling much better. Finally.
To Mrs. G: YES! YES! YES! That is exactly what I was trying to say. There’s just no way to make it work with out the involuntary hunger strike kind of LOVE. You get me. Maybe I should have married you…?
6 Cheri // Mar 5, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Aaryn: Once again, I say to you, Word. Word. Word. From first to last. Didn’t you just nail this one right down? Brava.
I really hope you are feeling better soon. Argh.
7 Jenn // Mar 5, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I always think of an older woman, Josephine Kirn. I worked with her when I was in my twenties… she was a volunteer. We office gals were having a conversation about men and I made one of those bravada claims like “when I’m married my husband will be doing half the housework… bla bla bla…” and another woman said, “Jennifer, you should lower your standards if you want to get married.” And before I could argue, Josephine said, “Never ever lower your standards. I waited until I was 50 before I found the love of my life. We had 20 wonderful years together.”
pause.
“And when he died he left me rich.”
Ha! Seriously, she said it was worth the wait, she missed him terribly, but was glad for the years they had together.
THATS what I want….
If all you want is someone to help with the chores, get a roommate.
and Aaryn… you call yourself NOT A Writer. bullshit. you write and you rock.
8 Jenn // Mar 5, 2008 at 11:05 pm
PS. its the 20 wonderful years I want. The rich would be nice, but not necessary.
9 Tiara // Mar 6, 2008 at 12:47 am
Well written Aaryn!
I’m one of those women who vowed I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than “settle” and play out the same sort of disastrous marriages I grew up around. So when I up and moved from the US all the way to New Zealand to be with (and later marry) the object of my affection, there was no “settling” involved. I wanted the “Every day spent without you feels like a part of me is dying…” kind of love mixed in with the “I can’t believe you get me!” moments that never cease to thrill me.
I think I chose well. I mean, someone who tells me “I still think you’re beautiful.” while I’m surrounded by tissues and trying to cough up a lung is worth their weight in gold!
10 Sara // Mar 6, 2008 at 8:03 am
Aaryn, you’re a brilliant, eloquent woman whom I plan to emulate when I “grow up”
Although I am not married and am very single, I too have vowed to stay single until … well, until whenever. I once had a bf years ago who during the duration of a short, very intense relationship, made me feel lonely. I was with him, yet alone. One morning, in the midst of much drama (his doing, I swear!), the light shown in my office window as I sipped Peet’s coffee and it came to me like a vision from the heavens, “I would rather be single and alone then with someone and lonely.” I broke up with his dysfunctional a$$ shortly thereafter and have followed this promise to myself, FOR myself, for years since. Sure, I would rather be IN a relationship but I am surrounded by wonderful friends who serve as my “life partners” and manifest themselves in different ways. I am far from lonely or alone.
On Sundays when I read the NYT wedding announcements (weird, I know), and I see so many people in their 20s who are doing it for the 2nd time and so many in their 70s, doing it for the 1st time, I think, ya know …. I’m just gonna see where this takes me.
I’m not ‘holding out’ for Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect. But maybe for Mr. I Love Bacon Too! Maybe Mr. Finishes my Sentences. And definitely Mr. Makes Me Laugh til I Wet Myself.
11 Bipolarlawyercook // Mar 6, 2008 at 9:31 am
Amen, sister. It’s one thing to learn that some of one’s own expectations are ridiculous, and set them aside (i.e., he will always do the dishes, every night), and another to compromise on love. Love is precious, and must not be compromised.
12 Tootsie Farklepants // Mar 6, 2008 at 12:13 pm
A-to-the-effing-men!
13 Jenn @ Juggling Life // Mar 6, 2008 at 6:30 pm
This article took the blogosphere by storm. I’m so with you on the “you can always get divorced later” comment. And what Tootsie said.
How have I not been here before? It seems the rest of my crowd is already hanging out!
14 melanie // Mar 7, 2008 at 11:49 am
Oh how I love and adore you! You need to right your own damned book because you are FABULOUS!! I am pretty sure we were twins separated at birth. Granted, you’re a girl from the Pacific northwest and I’m a homegrown southern girl, but that’s minor
15 Tammy // Mar 7, 2008 at 1:10 pm
You must have been reading my mind! Without going into the boring details of my life, I was thinking something very similar since I am also deathly ill, and have been for months. I can’t imagine doing this with someone who annoyed me from day 1.
Your column, along with Gottlieb’s essay, have my mind racing in a million directions. I’m not well enough to put together a coherent thought, but when I am I’ll come back and give you my 2 cents.
Thanks so much for the thoughtful commentary!
16 Phoebe // Mar 8, 2008 at 2:58 am
At 17 I thought I knew it all. I thought that my white knight had arrived and I was saved for all time. I also thought that it was my estimable maturity, worldly bearing, and scintillating conversation that captured the heart of the 26 year old I married that year. I could go on. My hindsight is phenomenal. For 15 years I wondered what was wrong with me–never (until the last) what is wrong with him. But you were talking about settling…
I am now married to the love of my life. He damned well better be. He is not perfect and never has been. He is a little less perfect than he used to be since the hearing loss makes him talk too loud and the prostate cancer that makes him…. Perfect is still an absolute. I am thrilled to be with Mr. Damned Good or better yet, hyphenated with Mr. Perfect-for-Me. Absolutes, like blacks and whites, often don’t hold up well in the long haul.
All this is a very long way to say that there is a difference between ’settling for’ and ’settling in.’ Sometimes, we make rules we cannot live by. Most of the time we make those rules for someone else: “I cannot love you unless (see list below).” Then we wander through life acting like Copernicus was wrong.
After the divorce, I searched for Mr. Right. I found a lot of Mr. Right-nows. It wasn’t until I put away the shopping list that I found the person I can and will live with until we are both ready for the ash heap. It’s ironic that he had been waiting for me all along.
After 40 some years this silly man still sees me as I was the first time we met. We’ve been married nearly 25 years. He was a better dad to my kids than their father was and daily he proves his love in ways that I still sometimes fail to recognize.
So here is my thought on settling:
I fell ass over aspirations for a pair of 4-inch stillettos. It was passion. They were perfect. They were the right color and oh so divine. They made my legs look two miles long. My soul longed for those shoes. My soul wanted those shoes to be THE ones. And they hurt my feet. I Couldn’t walk. I would be a prisoner to those perfect shoes.
The shoes that are perfect for me are not nearly as flashy–the heel is lower, the cut more sensible. I can count on being able to be me in those shoes. At the end of the day, I am really happy. I just had to learn what would make me really happy.
17 Euphrosyne // Mar 12, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Oh, good one. My brain exploded from my ears, nose and mouth when I read that piece of self-loathing, whiny, entitled crap.
After replacing as much gray matter as possible, I turned to my not-settled-for mate and said,”Read this. Then tell me why her relationships fail.”
His brain exploded. I helped him clean it up. Now that’s marriage.
18 Scott // Sep 1, 2008 at 5:16 am
Great comments from all you ladies, however, let me as a man give you my perspective. Yes the article is one sided, being Lori Gottlieb has never been married, but she at least admits to something most women never acknowledge, that they are being settle for too.
In my years of dating and then marriage what is so striking to me and any men is women’s arrogant sense of entitlement. It sounds great that some of the commentator’s here admit, at least in print, that nobodies perfect. Yet, when in the situation of dating and conspiring a relationship with a man who has something they find redeemable it becomes all about them (you, women.) What he has, what he does, what he offers, me? When most of you have come to painfully realize, having been dumped or left by men you wanted to stay with, it’s not all about you.
That’s what I feel Lori Gottlieb was essentially saying. Settling is just a very poor word and inappropriate to boot for what really occurs when the decision is made by both people who agree on marriage. It’s really an agreement on situation and circumstances wherein each person agrees to take each others imperfections as the best choice at the time. Accepting that waiting for an ideal is just as unrealistic as believing you have unlimited time to do so.
It time, the most unforgiving of all the elements that we measure our lives by being the true equalizer. Nobody settles, we just stop wasting time chasing butterflies and accept that life and what life has to offer comes with hard work, sacrifice, and compromises. Having an unrealistic sense of entitlement is the fastest way to a rationalized lonely life.
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