My family is effed up.
I don’t speak with the small man who is my father. I rarely speak with my youngest brother and the one who is just 18-months younger than me? Well. I had to extricate him from my life more than seven years ago. It sounds cruel but it was an act of self-preservation and it was one of the best moves I’ve ever made where he is concerned.
But what do you know? With the Big Bad Internets, he’s found a way back into my life and today, he left a comment on this old post. I should have known that he wouldn’t be the kind of person to just move along in his life and let me move along in mine, but I rarely think about him so I wasn’t that concerned. Now he’s resurfaced to inform me that I’m a liar (his usual schtick) and that my memories of my childhood are wrong (he’s self-absorbed like that). Fortunately, he’s decided to grace me with his defense of my right to experience my “grief” (he’s generous like that).
I’m not surprised that he couldn’t not weigh in but I am surprised to find that my anger surfaces faster than the blissful years without him in my life sped by. I thought I was over that. Apparently, it’s just under the surface and it’s currently emanating from my pores. My skin is actually tingling. And I know I shouldn’t be writing this now, that I should sit on it, give it time to settle, be more even when I hit “publish.” But I’m not waiting.
I’ll be deleting his comments (he’s busy going through and commenting on other stuff as I write this) because I’m not going to give him a voice here, but I wanted to address something he said today and as it wouldn’t be fair to take anything out of context, I’m posting the comment in it’s entirety:
I understand your pain. I too had a father that mistreated me. I am by no means trying to diminish the profound effect that having such a parent has had on your life and development as a person.
But with all due respect, your recollection of the events in the back of the BMW are, at best, misrepresentative of what happened. I would never claim to have a more accurate account, but I think mentioning your brothers as witnesses to the event as you described it is irresponsible and downright dishonest. You’re allowed to take some dramatic liberties with your writing, but please try to represent the traumatic moments that shaped all of our lives as children as honestly as possible or to make it clear that you may not remember it all as it unfolded.
I support your grief and would fight to the death anyone who would try to deny you those feelings. But if you’re going to mention your brothers, please be truthful about the memories that are less than crystal clear.
Memories are a funny thing. Sometimes it’s difficult to discern how much of a memory comes from a story repeated and handed down or from photographs or video, and how much comes from actual experience. But whatever the origin of a memory, it’s feircly presumptuous to assert that someone else’s memory is wrong. Two people can experience the same thing in entirely different ways.
For the record, my memories are crystal clear to me. And that includes memories of my brother being a most tragic character who cannot handle the truth about who he has been in my life.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Mary // Jun 4, 2008 at 11:34 am
I wish that I could say something comforting, or palliative, or hilarious - I hope you know that I’m thinking about you with tenderness.
You know, it’s funny that you posted today about honesty, because I was just writing about how excited I am to start taking pictures, and this is what I wrote about photography: ” … maybe I’ll finally come to think of photography as an endeavor in honesty, when it has heretofore been to me something that is by its nature mediocre and dishonest, misleading and unapologetic. But if anything has convinced me that photography can be honest, erudite, and lovingly expressive, it’s pictures by Stacy and Aaryn.”
I mean that, too. No lives to me are more honestly represented than the two of yours, through your words and pictures.
2 Amyesq // Jun 4, 2008 at 11:58 am
Oh no. Gawd it is a drag when a family member finds your blog and decides to inject a bit of him or herself into it. I had to go private myself a few years ago when a “family member” - and yes those quotation marks should really be there - started putting up whole passages of my blog into his in order to try to shoot me down.
Hopefully you have figured out how to not only delete his comments but to also block his IP address from commenting. It is kind of icky knowing he’s reading but I suppose there is nothing else you can do about it.
3 Cheri @ Blog This Mom! // Jun 4, 2008 at 1:58 pm
“Two people can experience the same thing in entirely different ways.”
And in the case of those in a relationship, that they honor and respect each other’s perceptions, and trust each other’s intentions is essential.
If his intention was to respectfully disagree, he could have just emailed you.
You just keep on keepin’ on.
4 Jamie // Jun 4, 2008 at 1:59 pm
This is a place for *your* voice and *your* memories.
Thankfully, your FAMILY now is a threesome, in black and white. Perfect.
5 amelia // Jun 4, 2008 at 4:13 pm
*sigh*
you and I have connected before on the whole fucked up family thing. I don’t have any great nuggets of wisdom for you. Just a knowing sigh and the offer of a drink or three whenever you want.
6 Jenn @ Juggling Life // Jun 4, 2008 at 6:11 pm
In my experience brothers and sisters have very different memories of the same things. Sometimes my sister would remember something (usually something painful) with total clarity, while I wouldn’t remember it at all.
I can both empathize and sympathize with having an effed up family. You need to let it all out at the San Diego Bitch Bloggers meet up.
7 Courtney // Jun 4, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I hear you about EVERYTHING. I’m down with what Amelia said. Just a knowing sigh and a toast to you.
8 kerryanne // Jun 5, 2008 at 12:05 am
I remember reading that post and feeling horrible for you. There are moments in life that can be fuzzy, but others that remain crystal clear for life.
Keep doing what you are doing. x
9 stacy // Jun 5, 2008 at 12:10 am
my father, who is a big man, in more than one sense of the word, used to always tell me that when I let people make me angry (which is often now, but was more often then) that I was giving them too much control over me. daddy was right.
honey, the fact that your brother says, out of one side of his mouth, that he grants you your grief (gee, thanks), and out of the other, feels the need to “correct” your memories, says a great deal about him. your writing is your own, and your honesty and bravery is part of your unique voice. no one–not even your dumb brother– can take it away or compromise it. his efforts are actually pretty pathetic, aren’t they? when you think about it? tell him to get his own blog, or express his concerns to you via snail mail. or just tell him to fuck off.
10 Bonzize // Jun 5, 2008 at 5:37 am
Aaryn - what Stacy said. And what you said. xoxo
YFGM
11 Leslie // Jun 5, 2008 at 8:50 am
Memories are memories. Foggy memories are still exactly that–memories. I imagine him trying to clear an already clear mirror because his perception is bent like he forgot his glasses. Your memories are your memories. And this is your outlet–you can even lie if you wanted to do that.
I have hit the proverbial eject button on my sister and you are beautifully handling the bullshit he is feeding you and trying to feed your readers. I would not be so graceful.
12 Destiny // Jun 5, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Thanks for this post. I can relate in sooo many ways!
13 Joe Crawford // Jun 6, 2008 at 6:05 am
Big stuff. Hang in there.
14 Sara // Jun 6, 2008 at 6:31 am
He’s selfish. And what really drives that home is that he surfaced and tried to make waves while your Mom was visiting.
My family is effed up, too, Aaryn. I empathize.
15 Tammy // Jun 6, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Oh Aaryn… I can relate. But here’s what I’ve been wondering lately. Does anyone have a family that is not messed up? If so, they are people I’d like to meet. Just to know that it’s possible.
16 Amanda // Jun 6, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Wait, so, we shared a childhood too?!
Been there honey. Just let him express things the way he needs to and you do the same.
Love you mucho.
17 Bipolarlawyercook // Jun 9, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I couldn’t agree more. Your memories are yours, they’re True, and no one can tell you they’re not. Hugs.
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