Clarification
ME: Honey, do you know why all the sales people kept telling you how pretty your eyes were today?
RUBY: Because I have brown skin and they don’t think brown skin is very good.
ME: Well (crap), no. (Think quick.) That’s not why. (Address it or not to address it, that is the question.) I mean (always address it), it’s true: There are people in this world who don’t think that brown skin is as good as pink skin. And they’re wrong about that. They’re what we call “ignorant”.
RUBY: And I just walk away from them!
ME: That’s right. You just walk away with your shoulders back and your head held high. You do not listen to them. You do not let their words get inside your heart.
RUBY: No!
ME: But those sales people who told you your eyes were beautiful? Remember them?
RUBY: Yeah.
ME: Yes?
RUBY: Yes.
ME: Well, they told you your eyes were beautiful because they are.
And they are, and so is her smile.
Friendly and happy eyes
Yes, they certainly are.
Gorgeous eyes with a whole load of intelligence backing them up.
Your girl is shaping up some very exotic-looking beauty. Her gorgeous eyes are just one component.
no disrespect intended… but that beauty will fade (and she IS a beauty!) but its that smarts –and she IS smart! (and I just walk away!) — THAT’s what will ensure this child’s success. you guys are doing an amazing job, Aaryn, and that is one special kid you’ve got!
Your daughter is a gem, truly.
Can I ask- how/when did she conclude that compliments about her eyes meant ‘Because I have brown skin and they don’t think brown skin is very good’ ? Was there a point you remember that something clicked for her?
Our little one is only 3 but is just starting to notice physical differences between himself and us, etc.
I love that picture of you two. It’s beautiful!
I said it before and I’ll say it again, she is beautiful!
I’ve had friends who considered adopting Black and Brown children over the years. It’s hard to explain concepts of identity and the nuances of being Black with role models who don’t look like you. There was no Aaryn Belfer blog for my parents’ generation, though they could have used one. Even simple things like attempting to understand hair and skin nuances matter, especially when you are young.
For some reason, this is a dagger to my heart.
I agree with Mrs. G. Bittersweet.
so i have not looked at your blog for a while…i just read this and wept. good job mama!
I honestly don’t intent to be rude at all, so here’s to hopefully getting my point across without being misunderstood. This conversation seemed odd to me. I just can’t fathom the idea of my daughter ever saying to me “They compliment my eyes because I’m Mexican and some people don’t like Mexicans”. Huh? I also can’t see myself responding “Yes that’s true and they’re wrong”.
People not liking our nationality/looks is something completely out of our radar. It isn’t something we carry with us, anticipating stares or comments from strangers. And these things have never happened. Ever.
It’s beautiful because she is free of any defensiveness, there’s no double guessing if she’s being attacked with sarcasm. Compliments are simply that: compliments.
And as a parent, I seldom teach her that other people are “wrong”. I limit myself to explaining that people have different opinions, and in their freedom they’re allowed to feel whatever without it affecting us at all.
I just feel that if I teach that those who feel differently are “wrong”, then I’m no better than them to begin with. But that’s just me.
Your daughter is truly beautiful.
@Caro: Well, this conversation really did take place and I didn’t expect my child to answer as she did. But if my daughter somehow is getting the message that people don’t like her based on the color of her skin, then, yes, I am going to counteract that by teaching her that her skin is beautiful just the way it is AND that it is wrong to dislike someone based only on the color of their skin. We do our children no favors by pretending racism doesn’t exist and that everyone is free to feel what they want without it “affecting us at all.” Newslfash: Disliking someone because they’re Mexican or Black or Jewish is also called prejudice and it’s generally based in ignorance.
Perhaps racism and prejudice aren’t on your radar (I assume you and your daughter look alike, which isn’t an excuse). As a blended family in which Sam and I are White and Ruby is Black, we encounter comments frequently and stares every day, so prejudice is indeed on our radar.
It’s a shame that you seldom teach your daughter that people are wrong, because how is she supposed to learn about things like racism and prejudice if you don’t point them out and discuss them?
I appreciate you reading and commenting, Caro, but I completely disagree with your stance and think that it is this exact approach that is most dangerous and ineffective when it comes to change.
I started typing a really long comment elaborating further on what is that I’m trying to say, then realized I’m failing miserably and deleted it.
Thanks for your response.